Dear Parents of kids on the school bus

Dear parents of kids on the school bus.

I am sorry if I have unintentionally scarred your children for life this morning. You see – my toddler is fast. He can also duck and weave like a pro footballer. So today, when my ‘zombie mother solo-parenting 5 kids’ self lost track of my child for 2.4 seconds, he was out the door and halfway down the block.

I ran after him, bare foot, striped nana nighty, no bra and most importantly, no glasses (probably why the little fella evaded me so effectively). It was not graceful. It was not dignified. It was like the line-up of customers outside an Aldi store on catalogue release day. Cautiously confident of sucess, but statisticly unlikely.

So, he feinted left. I fell for it.

He dodged right. I lunged and missed. He literally ran circles around me while I yelled his name hopelessly, to the chorus of hysterical laughter at the bus stop behind me.

So parents, I do apologize for the boobie flapping, nana nightie display I put on for your children.

Dear teenagers on the bus.

I know you saw it. Consider this lifelong contraception. You could be the crazy sleep deprived braless shell of a woman muttering curses while you try to catch a toddler in your jarmies in public.

This body has carried 6 beautiful children and parents 5. I used to have a bikini body. Now I just have a body. I don’t regret it (except when shaming myself in public) but there are mornings I consider vodka instead of coffee.

Lastly, to my beautiful children.

I am so sorry your friends on the bus saw your mum’s fat bum. I completely understand if you want to move out, effective immediately.

I love you all, have a great day at school. Feel free to tell everyone I am the crazy cat lady next door and don’t admit we are related. I understand.

Mad Mum Aleisia Pudney